The One Liners

After years of legal red tape, legendary bicyclist Lance Armstrong has been allowed to change his name to Lance Legstrong.
Complained Legstrong, “People keep thinking that I walked on the moon!”

In a related story, legendary astronaut Neil Armstrong changed his name to Neil Moonstrong.
Complained Moonstrong, “People keep thinking that I ride a bike.”

Well, I spent my day, Water Boarding. It's not that bad. Of course, I had to tell them everything I knew before they'd stop... but that didn't take too long. As I was leaving, they gave me an autographed picture of Lloyd Bridges, Water Boarding.

To solve the oil crisis, President Bush suggested that we convert our cars to run on milk. “We’ve got enough cows out there to cut our dependence on foreign oil,” quoted The Bushster.
When it was pointed out that milk cost more than gasoline, The Big W suggested that we use low-fat, or save even more money by using non-fat.

Legendary actor Jay North was arrested today for a variety of offenses dating back to his childhood. Former neighbor Mr. Wilson was usually the target of North’s antics with most occurring between 7:30 and 8 PM on Sunday nights. After Wilson’s death, North’s crime spree continued and has been chronicled in daily newspapers ever since.
Known as Jay the Menace, he confessed, “I was young. I needed the money.”

Glen Campbell’s “By The Time I Get To” Tour kicked off today in Phoenix. Next, he’ll travel on to Albuquerque and finally on to Oklahoma. It’s unknown; exactly what song he’ll be performing during the tour.

The sons of the late legendary singer Ricky Nelson have opened a trucking company. Commenting on their new occupation, the sons replied, “Dad always told us that he’d rather drive a truck.”

After negative reaction to last week’s news about Smokey the Bear being fired, the Park Service has reinstated the position. Unfortunately, the original bear was released thousands of miles up in the mountains, so a new character has been created called, “Smokey the Beaver.” Legendary actor, Jerry Mathers has been signed to play the beaver.