The One Liners

DNA tests have revealed that Tom Dooley was not guilty after all. Dooley, who hung down his head over fifty years ago, always claimed that he was nowhere near that mountain and that he didn’t own a knife. For compensation, Dooley’s relatives are being given a white oak tree.

To bolster “The Surge”, Michael Vick’s dog was sent to Iraq today. The hope is to reduce the number of terrorists who have been getting through checkpoints dressed as mailmen.

Singer, Neil Diamond was pulled over for driving in the commute lane today. He complained to officers, “But the sign says it’s the Diamond Lane!”

In a related story, Raiders coach, Lane Kiffen was pulled over for the same offense and he used the same excuse. Police suggested that the two gentlemen ride together in the future.

Reporters finally got an explanation as to why President Bush, abruptly ends his news conferences without warning. Said The Bushster, “You don’t want to tell the enemy when you’re leaving.”

Back in prehistoric times,
These two dinosaurs come walking into a cave, see?
One dinosaur says to the other dinosaur,
“What if… one day all the dinosaurs died and over the years, their bodies became oil and then, people built cars and ran them on gasoline that they’d made out of oil…”
The other dinosaur interrupted,
“People?”
“Hey! I said, What if?”

They asked the world’s oldest “fifties teenager”, Dick Clark,
“What do you think of the high price of wheat?”
“Well, it cost more bread than it used to.”

If prices go up any higher, Americans are going to start immigrating to Mexico.

America made the first friendly gesture towards Cuba in fifty years today when they offered the Castro brothers, accommodations at Guantanamo.

Take it slow, Advice from Joe