The One Liners

In an effort to solve the country’s budget problems, President Bush ordered the Potomac River to be drained today. “George Washington couldn’t have made it on the first try,” commented the hopeful Bushster as he stomped through the mud with a metal detector. “He had a terrible arm.”

Legendary painter, Sherwin Williams gave up his life long plan to cover the earth today. Said a pale blue Williams, “With all that ice melting, I can’t get anything to stick.”

The Tetley Tea Company reported a serious breach in security today as several large tea leaves were smuggled into the facility. Said Tetley officials, “Apparently, they cut them up in an effort to make them appear as if they were tiny little tea leaves.”
The company assures the public that none of the large tea leaves made their way into the production line.

Tonight on FOX, after learning that he’s going bald, House gets a new roof.

Legendary singer, Bobby Goldsboro was arrested today for the murder of his wife, Honey over forty-five years ago. As officers took him away, he kept yelling, “The angels took her away! The angels took her away!”

With the latest shortage of corn, we’ve all been asked to care if Jimmy cracks corn.

The country of India formally complained to the city of Cleveland over their use of the name “Indians” for their baseball team. Of the logo, they complained, “We don’t even look like that!”
In a related story, legendary singer Simply Red complained to the Washington Redskins, saying, “It’s only my hair that’s red!”

Plans are being made to reopen the legendary Deadman Cave, where legendary miner Big John lost his life. It’s been forty-five years since it was the end of the line for Big John.
Big John.
Big bad John.
Officials claim that Deadman Cave is perfectly safe, as long as you don’t step on the bones.
The bones.
Big bad bones.

Take it slow, in the John, Big Joe