The One Liners

Legendary entertainer Glen Campbell announced that he’s going back to get his college degree. Then, he intends to release a new song about it called, “By The Time I Get To The University Of Phoenix.”

Legendary singer John Legend… (I really don’t have story here. I just wanted to say that line.)

Tonight on FOX, House buys a car so he has something to park in front of himself.

The Acme Muffler Factory burned to the ground today. Muffler officials are baffled while fireman said that it was one of the quietest fires that they’ve ever fought.

To bolster the moral of the troops in Iraq, legendary singer Country Joe will perform at the Baghdad Arena. Joe will be performing alone as the rest of the Fish died years ago. When the Iraqi government asked if he needed anything, Joe replied, “Give me an F.”

Ford announced today that they are bringing back the Edsel. Said officials, “We’ll keep bringing them back until something sticks.”

In a related story, the military introduced a new weapon, which they intend to fire at the enemy. It’s called the Dodge Dart. Said officials, “We can take out several of them at once if they stand in a straight line.”
It’s the first ‘green’ weapon, being powered by a combination of rocket engines and slant six cylinders.

The candidates explained why they are asking for a Gas Tax Holiday.
“To get a day off!”

The Beatles were inducted into the Insect Hall Of Fame today, joining other members, Hal Roach and Aunt Bea.

Upon learning that he was a lame duck, President Bush asked Dick Cheney not to hunt for the rest of the year.

Another cult has been uncovered as authorities raided a complex and found one man living with over 500 women who were his sex slaves. Officials hope to question the man as soon as they can get the smile off his face.

Take it slow, Advice from Joe