The One Liners

We have an elderly cat and I keep telling my wife, "That cat is so old that when he was a kitten, the Dead Sea was just critically ill."

I told my wife, “That cat is so old that when he was a kitten, Lady Gadiva was still in grade school.” Of course, she was known as Girl Gadiva back then. She was the only kid in the neighborhood who could ride a tricycle, sidesaddle.

I took my car to the garage for their special "Bumper to Bumper Check up. Just $99"
Only took them two minutes to come back and say, "Your bumpers are fine. That'll be 99 bucks."

I don't know if you're keeping track of the number of days, but I keep waiting for Hillary to talk about her 36 years of experience.

If Kenny G had to take a drug test, would the vile be filled with G-whizz?

Seems like I spend half my life going around in circles.
As I get older, I only seem to go around in semi-circles.
I don't get around as much as I used to.

Fox announced that they were unable to pay a balloon payment resulting in House being foreclosed. They hope is to create a smaller, shorter program called Apartment.

President Bush made a suggestion to curb global warming. “Every household should remove the door from their refrigerator. With total participation, we could cool things down enough to actually be able to live in places like Florida.”

Experts complained that removing the refrigerator doors would increase energy consumption, at which point, The Bushster suggested unscrewing the light bulb. “Just screw it in when you need it. That’s what I do.”

Take it slow, Advice from Joe