The One Liners

The Martian Rovers discovered the body of Billy Mumy today. Mumy’s corpse was perfectly preserved, as he still resembled the twelve-year-old boy that we watched blast off with his family back in the sixties.
There was no sign of the remaining family members, especially June Lockhart.
Said Lockart’s other son, Jon Provost, “I always thought that Mom would come home. Lassie always did.”

Legendary actor Tony Dow was named the president of Dow Chemical Company today. “He was the logical choice,” said outgoing president Eddie Haskell. “It was either he or Lumpy.”
Said Dow, “At least they didn’t choose my goofy brother.”

The Tour de France announced that they are going to drug test the bicycles. They pointed out that drugs could be absorbed up from the seat, especially that new drug, Asteroids.

Questions were raised today regarding the origin of Tex Ritter. Officials claimed, “We can’t find a single state named Ritter.” The issue arose while officials were tracing the origins of Tennessee Ernie Ford.

Obama sang in public for the first time yesterday and surprised everybody by sounding exactly like Michael McDonald. He explained, “Michael and I went to the same church.”

Today, Hillary declared that she won’t give up, no matter who’s elected!

Tonight on FOX, House is infected with termites.

It was reported today that scores of people have stopped doing daily chores and routines that they swore they would do until a certain occurrence took place.
In a related story, the cows came home today.

Brushing away rumors that he handpicked his successor, Vladimir Putin said, “Actually, I pointed my foot at him.”

The toll on the Golden Gate Bridge was raised to $100,000,000 today. Nobody has crossed the bridge since the ruling, prompting officials to point out, “Hey, all we need is one guy!”

Pay it slow, Advice from Joe