The One Liners

Jessica Simpson has been receiving a lot of press regarding her relationships, prompting OJ to ask her to tone it down for the sake of the Simpson name.

Why is West Palm Beach located on the east coast?

Legendary bicyclist Lance Armstrong bought his first car today. He was amazed at how fast it went while commenting, “I wish I knew about these things, years ago!”

A group of infants escaped from the maternity ward and wandered on to the freeway this morning, bringing traffic to a crawl.

The doctors gave me a clean bill of health today. That’s after I spilled coffee on the first bill.

In a demonstration of financial responsibility, the government increased the noise level of the guns that they manufacture. “We want to user to get more bang for their buck.”

To speed up construction of the new border fence between the US and Mexico, President Bush named a new secretary of de fence.

The body of Lawrence Welk was exhumed today. As workers prepared to lift the coffin, the foreman called out, “A von and a two…”

Today, the Iraqi government submitted their first balanced budget in the history of the world. Said the Iraqi president, “We’d like to thank the United States for helping us solve our economic problems.” Iraq immediately raised oil prices.

My cat just brought me the first robin of spring.

The Pope issued his strongest message ever to the members of the priesthood when he advised, “Stay out of Boston.”

The makers of Double Mint gum announced that they lost twice as much money as they expected this quarter. Said the CEO, “We may have to fire the twins. We may have to fire the twins.”
Later in the day, he made the same announcement again.