The One Liners

When the California ruling was made, legendary Ellen immediately proposed to Gavin Newsom, commenting, “He’s not really my type, but I feel like I owe him something.”

When President Bush complained to the Saudis about the high price of gas, they simply asked him what pump number he was parked at.

There was a two hundred-car pile up on I-5 this morning, just south of the Lady Gadiva exit.

Hooters Restaurant bowed to public outcry about being too close to an elementary school. The ruling states that Hooters must be at least 36 inches from a school zone.

The little kid who starred in “Home Alone” has grown into a homeless adult. When found living at an LA train yard with the other hobos, he said, “Well, at least I’m not alone anymore.”

The legendary Donny Osmond announced that he is moving to Hawaii and changing his name to Don O.
“He saw the opportunity,” said his wife, Marie.

Two legendary singers were united this weekend when Tom Petty married Roseanne Cash. The couple plans to hyphenate their names.

If the economy slows down any more, Volkswagen vans are going to start passing us.

When you see the light at the end of the tunnel, it’s probably a train coming the other way.

Why was Batman able to see?

I’m sure glad that they didn’t have cell phones back when Gabby Hayes was alive.

Legendary hornest Kenny G has been signed to play the lead role in “The Al Hirt Story”.
Said G, “I’d better start eating.”