The One Liners

Times are tough so I’m very careful how I spend my money.
I went to a Mexican restaurant and asked the waiter, “How much are the chips?”
“There is no charge for chips.”
“And how much is a glass of water?”
“We provide a glass of water.”
“Good. I’ll have chips and a glass of water please.”

How can you tell if an owl is deaf?

We went to the Farmer’s Market and I did some impulse buying.
I bought three of them.

I don’t think that my doctor is telling me the truth about my condition.
Today, he gave me a prescription for DeathaZone.

They asked Tom Bodet, “Where did you stay before Motel 6?”
He said, “Motel 5.”

You know that your doctor has bad news if he introduces you to Quincy.

I have this high-tech dentist who uses all the latest technology.
I was getting my teeth cleaned and he said, “I don’t think that we’ll have to use the laser this time.”
I said, “You mean, you’re not going to print me a bill?”

Legendary bicyclist Levi Leiphemer was stripped of his Levis today by the other racers who chanted, “Now try to ride your bike!”

Officials have banned the use of water boarding as a way to get sick cows to stand up.

The first time that I visited New York, I wanted to fit in and not look like a tourist, so I rented a Chrysler New Yorker.

Take it slow, New York Joe