The One Liners

The government christened a new battleship today. The USS Benedict Arnold was launched and immediately deployed to the waters off the shore of Scott McClellan’s house.
Commented officials, “Let’s see him write a book about this!”

Adding to the list of rock groups supporting her, Hillary received an endorsement from The Dead Kennedys today.

Tonight on Fox, House is foreclosed and sold at an auction.

Donald Trump will be hosting a new show called “Apprentice Dentist.”

Legendary Patty Duke mourned the loss of her cousin today.
Said the actress, “We were very similar, except for the corny British accent.”
Duke’s husband, Gomez said, “They looked alike, they talked alike (choking up) … at times, they even walked alike. (then, he brightened up) What a crazy pair!”
Said Duke, “I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself.”

In a related story, legendary Patty Duke lost one hundred and thirty five pounds today.

After discussions with Vladimir Putin, President Bush announced the creation of a new governmental position that is more powerful than the president. He further announced his intention of moving into that new position when his term is over.

*Correction to a gag that appeared here last week, when I used the word “carpenter”:
My wife thinks that I’m a mason.
She told me to hit the bricks.

Super hero, The Flash was arrested today for living up to his name.
Said the victim, “He did it very quickly, but he did flash me.”

Indictments were issued today, claiming steroid use by the Mobil Flying Horse.
“We’ve been suspicious for years,” said Kentucky Derby officials.
Mobil said that they would have to research the issue and immediately raised prices.

Pump it slow, Advice from Joe