The One Liners

The Carters Company recalled thousands of liver pills today after a large liver pill showed up in its facilities. “This one must have been four feet wide,” reported Jimmy Carter.
This is the second mishap for Carters as they also mixed liver and birth control pills together earlier in the year.

In a related story, a large number of yellow babies have been born recently.

Federal judges ordered Barry Bonds to grow hair today. Their official statement was:
“You don’t play ball any more. How about giving us a break?”
Bonds indicated through his web site that he would not comply, prompting the immediate arrest of his trainer who said, “Here we go again.”

In response to complaints about Pledge Week cutting into programming, NPR has agreed to change the name of their popular program to “A Lot Of Things Considered.”

Tonight on Ugly Betty, all the clocks in town stop.

If the price of gas goes any higher, oil executives will have to retro fit their wallets.

It was revealed today that fictional super hero, Green Lantern was actually Irish.
“He had me fooled,” said some guy named Hal Jordan.

To help promote tourism, officials have changed the name of The Dead Sea to The Alive Sea.

The Phoenix Space Craft drilled into the Martian surface today and confirmed what scientists have believed for decades. Mars is filled with creamy chocolate nuget.

In a related story, scores of children have signed up to become astronauts.

Legendary Lance Armstrong announced that he is taking up cycling again.
“Once gas hit four dollars a gallon, that was enough to convince me.”

Ride it slow, Advice from Joe