The One Liners #74

Legendary pitcher Curt Schilling has asked to be paid in British currency.
Schilling is still owed over a half a six pence.

The body of legendary Allen Ludden was exhumed today.
Officials are hoping that he has the password in his pocket. .

Victoria’s Secret has been given the daunting task of creating underwear for twins. When asked for their game plan, Victoria announced that she would use a two-thong approach.

I’ve got one of those new computerized toilets.
If I have a problem with it, I just control-alt-delete.

The doctor told me to lower my cholesterol, so now I eat eggs while lying on the floor.

My local gas station is now charging to use their restroom.
They’re charging four dollars per gallon.

My doctor can read me like a book.
He says that he wants to take out my appendix.

I wasn’t sure if my surgeon was experienced.
Before surgery, I asked him, “Are you afraid?”
He said, “No, I used to be a butcher.”

Legendary Dick Clark is finally changing with the times.
He’s switching from forty-fives to thirty-three and a third.
“Now I don’t have to stand up as much,” remarked Clark.

Stand up slow, Advice from Joe