The One Liners #191

Sarah Palin announced that she is going back to Alaska to concentrate on convicted felons.
“I can see Ted Stevens from my office!”

Never offer words to live by, while delivering a eulogy.

They’ve released a version of “The Wild Wild West” in the Soviet Union,
starring Robert Comrade.

I have a guilty conscience.
Hopefully, my lawyer can get it off.

I was accused of stealing twenty-four cans of beer.
My lawyer said that they had a good case against me.

How come all of the best poets are named, “Laureate”?

Somebody stole the keyboard from my computer,
even though I had the Caps Lock turned on.

After reporting record profits, the company rejected my idea of creating,
“Exxon-Mobil-Dyson”

My cat likes to walk all over me.
You’d think we were married.

Why haven’t they tried Rogaine on bald eagles?

Grow it slow, Advice from Joe