The One Liners #204

For jury duty, the judge asked me if I could be impartial.
I said, “Well, yes and no.”

They asked me if I was nervous on my wedding day.
I said, “No, I lost my nerve years ago.”

Microsoft really has problems.
Even my cat won’t upgrade her microchip to Vista.

I was going to write the story of my life,
but first, I have to get one.

My Dad was on his death bed when he said, “Son, I’m heading for the last round up.”
I said, “Not in your condition.”

They asked me if I was lying.
I said, “To tell you the truth, yes.”

The psychologist testified that I was insane.
I said, “Your Honor, I was no where near sane at the time.”

Cheeta the chimpanzee is going to make a movie with Miley Cyrus.
The new feature will be called, “Hanna Banana”.

The only time that a wife can testify against her husband
is if she survives.

Testify slow, Advice from Joe